“I’m a Person Too.”

Yesterday, Lex wrote about putting the self back into self care. That’s something I’ve kinda been thinking about lately. I wouldn’t say that I’ve been thinking about the word “self care,” and maybe what I’ve been thinking about isn’t even the same as what Lex has been thinking about.

But either way, it’s got me thinking.

In a related post, Lex mentioned the notion of “productive selfishness.” In yesterday’s, he mentioned making sure that what he does for self care actually lines up with what he values, needs, and enjoys, not necessarily what he has heard other people say is the best way to take care of yourself. As I already said on his blog, I like that idea a lot.

If you knew me in my school years, you know I don’t have trouble procrastinating. I mean, I had high standards. I wanted to make A’s, and most of the time, I did, but I was pretty bent on getting those grades my own way: studying during the class before the class with the test; writing 30-page papers the night before; taking the best, messy notes you’ve ever seen; testing my limits (not as in pushing myself); figuring out creative ways to get by with the right grade, etc. I didn’t have any trouble procrastinating with other stuff — like dishes and laundry — either. And, obviously, I’ve spent plenty of time listening to music and watching television.

All that might make you think that I’m great at relaxing, at doing stuff just for me just because I want to. But I’m not. I’m not even very good at doing stuff just for me just because I need to. I process most things through my value system and I have a hard time putting enjoyment and relaxation at the top of my value list.

And I’m really not good at saying, “My needs are just as important as your needs; to do the best job of helping you with yours, I have to make sure I’m taking care of mine too,” and meaning it.

I’ve had a few (hard) occasions to get better at it, and I think I have, but when you add a kid to the mix, everything (or so it seems) gets renegotiated.

I’ll admit that not feeling selfish is a struggle for me. After all, I love my kid more than anything and she counts on me for every single one of her needs. How could I not meet all of hers (and all of my husband’s, for the matter) before taking care of mine?

But you know what? I’ve found that our home is actually more full of love, joy, patience, gentleness, kindness, forgiveness, and long-suffering when I’m not so “long-suffering.”

Not feeling guilty about asking Chris to get up early with Caelyn because I didn’t sleep well and I’m the one who puts her to bed every night is a good thing. So is asking him to take a 3 minute break to help me get the stroller out of the car when Caelyn and I go for a walk. It makes me nervous to have her on her feet in the parking lot and not have a way to hold her hand. Maybe I worry too much. Maybe it’s silly. But it makes me feel better, so it’s worth it.

Watching a “stupid” show at the end of the day. Taking 30 extra minutes to finish a blog post. Spending 30 minutes talking with Cristin after Water Aerobics. Grabbing coffee before going to the grocery store (on those rare occasions) by myself. Closing the door and reading an entire magazine in the tub.

Those are little things that make a big difference in me, so long as I admit that it’s okay for me to do them without feeling guilty, that they really are important because they’re a part of taking care of me.

And by “taking care of me,” I don’t mean eating well, exercising, going to the doctor, etc. I mean being “productively selfish.”

Part of that means realizing that working out is something that I do to take care of my body, but it’s not something that recharges me or that I truly enjoy, and it doesn’t have to count as “my time” just because it demands my attention. Before I was faced with choosing between doing something I like and exercising. When what I liked won out, I felt guilty. When exercising triumphed, I felt miserable and cheated. Changing the way I see “my time,” freed me up to take care of my body, take care of me, and take care of my family.

I am not a parenting expert by experience or research, but I’ve learned a couple worthwhile things in the last two years. Not too long ago, I shared one of them with my sister. It’s just a single line, but I think it’s a hefty one:

“I’m a person too.”

It probably seems crazy to people who don’t have kids, but I really think that most moms have to learn to say (and act on) things as simple as:

“I know that you want to play, but I need to take a shower right now. I’m a person just like you, and we need to respect and help each other. You can help me by being patient. It’s okay if having to wait makes you feel sad or frustrated, and I want you to tell me when you do, but it’s not okay for you to be unkind to me because you feel that way.”

With a toddler, sometimes a line like that doesn’t have an immediate effect. After all, their reasoning skills aren’t fully developed. So sometimes it comes down to:

“I am going to take a shower, but you still have a choice about what you can do. You can either be patient and play by yourself or you can scream and cry and be miserable until I’m done. It makes me sad when you’re unhappy, but I have to take a shower.”

In the grocery store it goes something like this:

“I need a teammate to hold my hand and help me pick things out. And we both need to not scream or run down the aisles because we need to respect ourselves and the other people who work and shop here.”

That one breaks down to:

“You can be nice, hold my hand, and stay on your feet, or you can be a grump, not hold my hand, and get in the cart.”

Going straight to option B might be faster, but I try to say option A first because it takes a long time for kids to learn autonomy, and because there are some deeply-rooted values in those statements that I hope sink into Caelyn’s heart and turn up when she needs them the most.

1) She is a person and deserves respect from herself and from others.

2) Other people deserve respect too.

3) She always has a choice about how she acts.

4) She can use her feelings for good.

5) We can be a team and help each other.

6) She can (and should!) express her feelings and her needs.

7) Considering how what she does affects other people’s bodies, minds, and hearts is important, but she has the freedom and the right to take care of herself and not feel bad about it.

Or at least I hope those things are hidden somewhere in the words I say. Even more, I hope they’re hidden in how I live my life, that she learns those things by watching me learn and practice them with myself and with others.

PS — I know I kinda left the spiritual component out (though it’s there if you look for it), and I’ve had thoughts about it for many years, but they’re better suited for another post. You can bring them up if you want, though!

And forgive me if this post goes through revisions after publication or doesn’t make sense. For some reason, it keeps saving but not saving the most recent changes. I can’t see straight anymore.